today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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