I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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