the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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