Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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