I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
