Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
