I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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