guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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