You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
