He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
