mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
