Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
