I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
