You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh god it's open bar.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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