My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
