i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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