Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
