The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
