I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize