dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
