mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
