I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize