wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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