dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
