Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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