just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
