shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
soo... how was my night?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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