i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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