Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
