you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
