I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
