The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
