I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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