i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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