Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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