I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
