watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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