but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
