Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
