So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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