I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
