Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
