3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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