Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
