After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
