Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
