I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
