I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
