ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
