break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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