I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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