My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
