So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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