Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
