I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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