his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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