Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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